Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ode to Bedtime

"Bedtime should be no problem, they go down pretty easily. Here's just a few things to remember..."

...baths for all three, brush teeth for M and V, they know which toothbrush is which.  Don't let them use the toothpaste alone no matter how they beg.  If they say we always let them then they are lying to you.  B has no teeth to brush yet.  Jammies are on their beds.  Blue pull-up for M, pink for V, use disposable diapers for B at bed, cloth diaper goes in the purple bag. Please put on some rash cream.  All three kids need their blankies- this is CRITICAL.  If you can't find the blankies for any reason, the emergency copies are in the linen closet.  Prayers and kisses all around, then sleepy time.  B is easy to get down...just rock her, sing to her, wrap her blankie around her so that if covers her body but NOT her feet, tuck the corner with the embroidered monkey into her four fingers and let her put her thumb in her mouth.  It MUST be the right thumb, so be sure to wrap her accordingly.  When she is nearly, but not completely asleep, place her into her crib, being certain not to move or breathe.  Cover her partially with her blankie, being sure the embroidered monkey stays in her right fist.  Press the second button on her sleep sheep...rain sounds.  Ocean noises, button one, are acceptable, but under NO circumstance should you press button three, the heartbeat noise.  It sounds like a horror movie and M will not sleep for 3 hours after hearing it.  Then rock V.  She will try to wrestle with you like a Japanese sumo, so when you've had enough, put her in bed.  No drinks, no one more story and she does NOT have to go potty.  If she cries and wakes up B, recommence directions at "B is easy to get down..."  When the girls are settled, close the door.  Turn off M's light and tell him goodnight.  Return to his room after 2 minutes to remove him from underneath the window shade where he will be reading.  Return 2 minutes later to remove the headlamp from under the covers where he will be reading.  Return 2 minutes later to remind him that reading in the pitch dark will ruin his eyes.  Check for monsters.  Check for dinosaurs.  Turn on the hall light, leave the door open a crack, but not two cracks.  Only one crack.  Tell him you'll close that door completely if he doesn't lie down this very second and go to sleep.  Smile, whisper goodnight in the hallway and voila.  I told you there was nothing to it.

Sure glad I don't have those kids who are all needy and hard to get to sleep.  That would stink.

Sooo...what crazy thing do you do in the name of bedtime?  Leave me a comment!


  1. Love this!!! B had a lot of trouble falling asleep regardless of circumstances, so he takes a small dose of melatonin now. Works wonders! Before melatonin, bedtime was a nightmare. Thinking of you!! :)

  2. that was my favorite line from my babysitting days...if the kids said their parents "always" let them do something, it really meant "never" :)

  3. hahaha- I laughed the WHOLE way through this post! Tim finally said, "What in the world are you laughing at?" - It's such a cirucus isn't it? I always chuckle to myself when I write out a "lesson plan" for someone to put my kids to bed: " Rose likes you to sing the ABC's while you rock her and she wants to be holding her blankie. Fun and blue nightlight must be on. If you leave the room and hear "Change a butt!" - rush into her room as she has just taken her diaper off and thrown it onto the floor." - Just so many silly things! maddy gets to read books, brush teeth, pee, and sing us one song that lasts no longer than 1 min before bed - oh dear! LOVED this post!


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